im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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