My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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