I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
