Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
