Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
