I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
