i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
