I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
