mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
