I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
