3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
