I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
