So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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