Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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