im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
