Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
