you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
