Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
