I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
jump out the window naked night went bad
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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