Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
