you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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