She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
