i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
