I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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