I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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