dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
