I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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