do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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