Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
