I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
