She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's the barista slut.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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