Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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