I cannot find my penis.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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