My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
