I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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