Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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