im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Randomize
