If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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