FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
