literally had 100 drinks last night.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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