Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
