Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
