oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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