Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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