mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
