I wish you could order shots online.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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