I wish I could punch you in the face.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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