I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
