i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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