guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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