So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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