I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
These tits shall not be calmed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
