I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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