What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
